How to Get Over a Breakup
I never thought I’d be writing this post. I was pretty confident that my now ex and I were going to spend the rest of our lives together. I know that might sound corny or naive, but in the beginning we were so in love. We doted upon each other like nothing I’d ever experienced before. It was only a few weeks in when he said “forever”. It was perfect. I was so fucking happy. A few months down the line, all of a sudden I found him shouting at me every time my anxiety took a turn for the worse, ignoring my pleading messages even though Facebook said he was online, and making excuses not to see me. I don’t know what happened, and I’m not sure I want to, but he changed. Eventually, after a blow-out argument we agreed that we both needed to make changes in our relationship in order to make it work. We agreed that we loved each other enough to try. He was away visiting his family at the time, so we spent a few days apart before I saw him again, armed with lists and an action-plan to fix our relationship. I wasn’t ready to give up.
I was met at the door by a room full of tense housemates, which was slightly confusing. They usually seemed quite pleased to see me. I still didn’t catch on, naive little me adamant that we both wanted to put effort into our relationship. We went up into his room, and he didn’t even do it right away. He let me curl up in his arms watching How I Met Your Mother, kissed my forehead and stroked my hair. I didn’t want to be on pause, I wanted to power through and sort us out. I wanted everything to be okay again. I sat up and told him where I thought I’d gone wrong so far, and how I was going to make a change. I said I’d like him to be more patient with my anxiety.
We talked it out for over an hour, but he barely even looked me in the eye. I knew him well enough to know when he was hiding something. I asked, probably more times than I should have, if he was going to leave me. Every time, he insistently shook his head and said: “No, of course not, I love you.” Half an hour later I was sobbing my eyes out in my blistering-hot car, gasping for air. What had just happened? He completely blind-sighted me. Turned three-sixty on me at the last minute and said he didn’t even want to try. Carefully coaxed me into a false sense of security then BAM. Just like that, he was gone.
I probably didn’t need to write that in as much detail, but sometimes it’s nice just to vent a little. I’m still really confused as to how somebody who claimed to love me could a) lie to my face for so long and b) simply give up on us. I’m still kind of overwhelmed by the change. We used to spend every minute of our time together, and all of a sudden I’m here alone.
Anyway, back to my point. If you can relate to any of the above, then you’re probably in the right place, because I’ve done this before. I’ve never been dumped before, exactly, but I’ve had to get over somebody I loved very much; and having made all of the mistakes last time, I know exactly what I need to do to make this ordeal less painful than the last, and I’m feeling rather positive about it. It only seemed right to share my tips with the rest of you!
1) Let yourself grieve
Going through a breakup can be a HUGE change, and it’s not something to be taken lightly. Don’t feel as though you must hold yourself together right away. Give yourself a day, two days or even a week to wallow and be completely miserable. You can think about them all you like, cry your eyes out, sing along to your old songs, hell, smell their old clothes if that’s what you feel like you need to do. Let it all out. Let them go. And then put together a plan to move on. After your set time is over, that’s it! No more!
2) Block their number & all social media
Another huge mistake I’ve made in the past is to torture myself for months, scouring his Facebook profile (and even those of his friends) to find out what he was doing, if he’d found somebody else, and if it seemed like he missed me. BIG MISTAKE. This is honestly one of the worst things you can do to yourself, it’s honestly like absolute torture. In addition, sat waiting for a reply to a message (sometimes for days) really triggered my anxiety, when I shouldn’t have been talking to him at all! When Adam and I broke up yesterday, we both blocked one another’s numbers and Facebook profiles, alleviating the temptation to go and have a peek.
3) Fill up your time
My ex and I used to spend a hell of a lot of time together; I even found myself tearing away from blogging because he wanted to spend time with me! Because I work such long hours I don’t get that much time to myself anyway, and I was spending (well, wasting) it all on him! Now that he’s out of the picture, I’ve decided to spend all of the time I used to spend with him on my blog instead. It’s nothing groundbreaking, but it’ll keep me occupied.
4) Accept what’s happened
The easiest thing to do is to convince yourself that you’ll probably get back together. It puts a huge plaster over the wound, and makes it hurt less because you think it’s only temporary. It works in the short-term, but all it does long-term is prolong your suffering and stop you from moving on. If they were dumb enough to let you go, why on earth would you want them back?! Remember that there’s a reason you broke up, and that if they’re not willing to work on your issues then they can quite frankly do one! My ex and I spent a long time talking about the future; we were going to move to Liverpool in the next couple of years, buy a big house in the suburbs and get married, have three kids, two dogs and chickens in the back yard. I’m accepting that this isn’t something that is ever going to come true, and letting go of the idea. I’m sure I’ll build new dreams with a new partner in years to come.
5) Remember the negatives in the relationship
This may be difficult, but the vast majority of relationships aren’t perfect; there are often things you have to compromise on to make you both happy, so just be thankful you don’t have to anymore! For example, my ex was irritatingly stubborn – he just couldn’t be wrong, to the point where it was difficult to have a conversation with him. I found it frustrating that his biggest ambition was to get a full-time job (boring!), and he was always grumpy and rarely smiled, unless he was drunk (which was far too often). Although I loved him despite all of these things, remembering them helps me to look forward. I no longer have to tear my hair out trying to convince him he’s in the wrong, I look forward to finding someone who wants to experience the world like I do, and I don’t expect to be dealing with a drunk boyfriend five or six times a week.
6) Spend time with people you love
Last night, after I’d spent the whole afternoon crying to my mum, I went up to the pub I work at to hang out with the regulars and some of the other staff. The pub I work at is a safe space for me, and it’s always guaranteed to be full of people I care about, and that care about me. I sat down with a table full of lovely punters and they spent a good few minutes talking about how insane my ex must be to dump me. Again, it’s really corny, but it worked! After that we sat and generally had a lovely time. I felt a bit blue every now and then, but still managed to take my mind off of the whole saga! Remember that you can’t expect to get over them overnight, though; I was back to tears this morning!
7) Don’t drink too much
This one is mostly for future me, in case I need to come back to this post. In the past, I’ve had a tendency to start drinking in times of trouble in order to drown my sorrows, and it does NOT work. A couple of nights out is fine (even helpful), but making a habit of it will ruin you, trust me!
These are the main things that I’m doing to help myself move on from a break-up, but everybody has their own way of doing things! I’d recommend this video by Katie Snooks, which I saw just a couple of weeks ago with no idea how much I would need it now! If you need a little pick me up, try this. Talk to other people IRL or online who may be going through a similar thing, and swap tips! If you have any other ideas, leave a comment or tweet me @kirstyisabella0 – thanks for reading, and keep your chin up!